Mother of Pearl...

I forgot to blog, how did this happen?  Hmmm... procratinate, procrastinate, study for other stuff.. clean... do laundry, procrastinate... play with the kids, play with the dogs, procrastinate... talk to my sister on the phone... grocery shopping... procrastinate, study.... fall asleep... crap, forgot to blog.  

Ramblings of a Hopeful Parent- part 2

I am trying to balance parenthood, womanhood and studenthood, if that makes any sense. My children still need a fully present parent, one that is engaged and involved in their day-to-day activities. As a single woman rapidly approaching the big four- ohhhh, ugh, I keep thinking I would like to have a significant other, in theory! Moreover, a larger concern than this is giving enough time and attention to my education to make the most of this opportunity. My priority is definitely my children, overall, but I am having a few guilty feelings. Mostly on the weekends when I pull away for some, much needed quiet time for schoolwork. I suppose I wonder if this will have any negative long-term effects on my kids, requiring them to pick up more responsibilities of watching the little one. I have heard on more than one occasion “It wasn’t my choice to have another kid!” This both infuriates me and then brings feelings of guilt as a parent. True, my older three did not have a say in the bringing another baby into the family, but on the other hand, is it not part of being a family. To pitch in wherever needed to make sure everyone is successful? Am I being selfish in trying to get this education under my belt now, instead of waiting? I can make a good argument for plugging ahead, improving the quality of all of our lives, financially; showing my older children what can be accomplished with a little effort. Or is this all just a grand justification for parental neglect? I don’t know. In the end, I am not sure of the answer. Perhaps without the added burden of school I would still have feelings of inadequacy as a parent. As for a social/ dating life, maybe once I’m done with school… or maybe not!

Frustrations of a wannabe intellectual

I am really struggling with getting my creative juices flowing again. I see little flashes of brilliance but they are fewer and farther between than I would like. I have already started to read Fahrenheit 451, trying to get a jump on the class work, and found myself more than a little disturbed by the picture of society drawn in this book. Drawing so many parallels to the human condition of today, it is very unnerving. I have begun to take this bleak picture as a personal call to arms. For many years, I have simply gone with the flow. Work, children, home… work, children, home… blah, blah, blah and on and on, and I find myself sucked down into a chasm of apathy and mindlessness. I have always considered myself to be bright, (straight A’s on my fourth grade report card, thank you very much!) but the ensuing years have definitely dulled my intellect. For example, I do not completely understand the fire that drives people’s love of politics. I have a few friends that are so passionate, knowledgeable, inquisitive, and sharp about these issues, and I envy them. Another example, my Mythology professor showed an interview of a renowned Mythologist, his extemporaneous questioning of common day beliefs and his ability to comparatively analyze thousand-year-old cultures and their beliefs and draw connections to the human experience in modern day, I found riveting. I was awed not by the factual basis of his knowledge, not the recitation of historical dates or events but of the way he could think outside of the box, so to speak. The very passion he exuded in his dialogue, I found myself want for that type of fire. So part of my journey is definitely to re awaken within myself my deeper thinker. I feel I have become something of an internet vagabond, shuffling from one pointless stop to another with no focus or reason for my journey than to meander pointlessly. This pointless surfing, coupled with my mini addiction to online games and solitaire, wastes much of my limited free time. I have vowed to unplug myself from these pass times. And with the help of my English professor, perhaps unbeknownst to her, I shall write, even a few minute, every day. To what end? I am unsure, probably not unraveling any of the great mysteries of life, but rather, perhaps, to rediscover within myself a passion that has gone unfed…